How to Respond when Someone Says They're Autistic

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23-07-2019, 20:00

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Updated: July 21, 2019 Good information about autism can be scarce, so when someone tells you that they're autistic, you may not know what to say. It's important to be kind and speak in ways that support their self-esteem (instead of accidentally tearing them down). This guide includes examples of what you can say to an autistic person, to help them feel supported and valued for who they are.

Watching Their Mood

Pay attention to how they feel about autism. When someone tells you something important about themselves, it's important to note how they feel about it. Understanding their feelings can help you figure out how to react.
Be encouraging to someone who sounds excited or happy about their diagnosis. For some people, an autism diagnosis is a relief, because it explains unanswered questions about their lives and empowers them to get the support they need. Feeling positive about autism is also a sign of strong self-esteem, which should be encouraged. Here are some examples of things you could say to someone who is happy about being autistic:
- "You're autistic? That's cool!"
- "I'm so happy you finally got a diagnosis. I hope that this can help make your life a lot easier."
- "My sister is autistic, too. She's very clever and kind, a lot like you."
- "I'm glad to see you feel positive about being autistic. I think it's great that the world is filled with all different kinds of people."
- "I'm happy for you."
Be sympathetic to someone who sounds worried or negative, without encouraging them to feel bad. It can be tough to listen to someone who feels down about themselves, and it can be even harder to know what to say. Try to validate their feelings, without blaming autism or blaming them. Let them vent, without necessarily agreeing with their negative perspective.
- "I'm sorry to hear that you're stressed about this."
- "It sounds like you're overwhelmed by your new diagnosis."
- "Yeah, people do say a lot of negative things about autism. It's understandable that that would make you sad."
- "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling inadequate. I want you to know that I don't see you that way."
Offer a listening ear if they want to talk about it. If they're still sorting out their feelings about autism, or they haven't yet accepted their diagnosis, then they may need someone to listen to them. Pay attention, ask questions, and try to validate their feelings. Avoid pushing your own perspective too hard (even if you feel that they're very wrong). Here are some examples of things you could say:
- "So you felt surprised and excited?"
- "What happened next?"
- "Sounds like you did a lot of research. Did you find any good results?"
- "I'm sorry to hear you feel so negatively about autism. Why do you feel that way?"

Knowing What to Avoid Saying

Avoid pitying or inspirational remarks. Congratulating them for existing, or talking about how awful autism must be, can make them feel bad about themselves. It's not helpful to make someone feel like they're defective. Here are some examples of harmful remarks:
- "I'm so sorry."
- "Wow, that's awful."
- "You're so brave!"
- "You must need a hug."
- "Oh, that's so sad!"
- "It's very strong of you to carry on. I would rather die than live with autism."
- "I feel sorry for your parents."
Don't deny or minimize their autism. Making minimizing or stereotype-based comments can show how ignorant you are, and may make them feel bad. It's rude to contradict them when they tell you who they are, whether you do it implicitly or explicitly. Unhelpful statements include:
- "You don't look autistic."
- "But you can talk/make eye contact/smile/draw/attend college/have a job/do interesting things!"
- "Are you sure?"
- "You're not disabled. You're differently abled."
- "You're nothing like my 2-year-old cousin."
- "You don't seem r*tarded to me."
- "Autism is just an excuse for bad behavior."
- "But you aren't a boy/child/white person!"
- "You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't let autism hold you back."
- "But you're so normal/smart/nice/funny/likable/cool!"
- "Everyone's a little autistic."
Avoid categorizing them as high-functioning or low-functioning. Functioning labels do more harm than good. Autistic people have both needs and strengths. If you call them "high-functioning," then they may worry that you will ignore their needs and struggles, and if you call them "low-functioning," they may worry that you won't see their strengths. Avoid sorting them into a binary. Examples of unhelpful comments include:
- "You must be very high-functioning, then."
- "It must be very mild."
- "You must be on the higher end of the spectrum. You seem normal to me."
- "I know someone on the spectrum... They're much more severe than you."
- "You do a great job of hiding it."
- "If my kid could do what you can, I'd consider them recovered."
Avoid assuming that they have a special talent. Only about 1 in 10 autistics have savant skills. These stereotypes aren't helpful, and they can be discouraging to autistic people who don't have any savant skills. While there are lots of talented autistic people, the majority of autistics worked hard to gain their skills (just like non-autistics have).
- "You must be good at math."
- "So that makes you a computer wizard, right?"
- "Does that mean you can draw landscapes from memory?"
- "So what's your superpower?"
Don't pry about medical details. Just like you wouldn't ask a non-autistic person about their health, it's rude to ask unsolicited health questions to an autistic person. Autistics deserve to have their privacy respected, just like everyone else. They'll only tell you medical details if they feel comfortable, on their own terms.
- "Are you on medication for that?"
- "What type of treatment are you going to get for that?"
- "Can you have sex?"
- "So what therapies did you go through?"
Avoid discussions of causation or cure. Autism is an inborn, lifelong disability. Asking what caused it, or if they want a cure, has a nasty subtext: the idea that autistics are defective, and the world would be better out without them.
- "So, were you vaccinated as a child?"
- "Will you get better soon?"
- "I read that autism was caused by vaccines/GMOs/TV/milk/pollution/bad parenting/cats/toxins/demons."
- "I heard they're working on a cure. Aren't you excited?"
- "Aren't you worried your kids could get it from you?"
- "Have you tried yoga/essential oils/oxytocin/exorcism?"
- "I heard about this therapy to train children with autism to act normal. Have you tried it?"
- "I'll pray for God to heal you."
Don't criticize their unusual behavior. Autistic people are different, in ways they can't always control. They may have developed coping mechanisms that look odd to you. Try not to make a big deal out of quirks like hand-flapping or rocking. If they're being disruptive (like being noisy in a library), just gently let them know. Avoid personal criticisms like:
- "Your fidgeting is so embarrassing!"
- "You're acting crazy. Calm down."
- "Can you stop asking so many questions? You're annoying."
- "Stop using your autism as an excuse."
- "You're weird."
- "Eye contact isn't that hard. Make an effort."
- "Why are you so immature?"
- "Stop that! What's wrong with you?"

Knowing What to Say

Consider affirming your love or respect for them. Sometimes, autistics may worry that disclosing their diagnosis will cause you to see them differently. You can reassure them that things won't change because you know of their diagnosis now. Here are some examples of helpful things to say:
- "You're still my wife and the same person I've known and loved for years. This diagnosis changes nothing about us."
- "This doesn't change anything. You're still my awesome nerdy friend."
- "Now that Daddy and I know you're autistic, we'll know better ways to help you. But not much will change. We'll still have fun, and play outside, and do all the normal things we do as a family."
Know that it's okay to ask questions if you don't understand. As long as you're kind and polite, it's generally okay to ask questions. It's better to ask than to assume.
- "I don't understand autism well. Could you please explain it to me?"
- "I heard that some autistic people don't like to be touched. Is that true for you?"
- "I heard some weird stereotypes, like that autistics can't talk or have jobs. Which, knowing you, is obviously false. Could you teach me a little more about autism, to help me get rid of any other misconceptions I might have?"
Feel free to mention the positive autistic traits you've seen in them. This can be reassuring and affirming to the autistic person. It can help support their self-esteem too. Try saying something like:
- "You know, I've heard that autistics can have really good long-term memory. No wonder."
- "I've always noticed how passionate and focused you are. I'm not surprised to find out you're autistic."
- "I once read that autistic people can be very creative. Considering the beautiful pictures you paint, I'm not surprised."
Try asking them to let you know how you can help. Every autistic person is different, and that means that different autistic people will need different types of support.
- "Let me know how I can help."
- "How can I help you succeed in my class?"
- "I've noticed you cover your ears sometimes when there's noise. Do you prefer hanging out in quieter places?"
- "How can I help you when you get overwhelmed?"
- "I've seen that sometimes, you struggle to find the word you're looking for. When that happens, does it help if I suggest words, or is it better if I just wait while you try to find the word?"
Continue treating them like a friend. Let life continue on as usual. Keep being kind, patient, and friendly towards them. You don't have to treat them differently. Friends might say things like:
- "How are you?"
- "What are your favorite things?"
- "Want to come and sit with me?"
- "Are you fidgeting because you're uncomfortable, or are you just doing that for fun?"
- "What type of music do you like?"
- "Want to come to the book store with me?"
- "I'm going to get ice cream. Do you want some too?"

Tips

If they say that they're having difficulty finding information, or that most of the information is negative and disempowering, try suggesting wikiHow's autism articles.

Warnings

The anti-vaccination movement can be very hurtful to autistic people, who may be made to feel like they are damaged or seen as suffering a fate worse than death. Avoid voicing support for the anti-vaccine movement to an autistic person, because they may feel devalued and rejected.

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