How to Break up With Your Boyfriend when You're Shy

Опубликовал Admin
12-10-2020, 09:10
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Breaking up with someone is never easy, particularly when you’re shy. Giving this kind of news requires strength, courage, and determination. You may not feel like you have any of these traits, but chances are, you do. You can make this uncomfortable situation easier when you know what to do before, during, and after the breakup.

Preparing for the Breakup

  1. List the reasons you want to end the relationship. One of the first questions your future ex-boyfriend is going to ask when you deliver the news is “why?” To answer this, you must first figure it out for yourself. Come up with clear and concrete reasons as to why you don’t want to continue being a couple, write them down, and bring the list to the breakup.
    • Reflect on your “whys” before breaking up to determine whether or not your issues can be fixed with a discussion instead.
    • Write down the level of contact you plan to have with him after the breakup so that you can clearly communicate this to him as well.
    • Having the list is a particularly good idea if you’re shy. It gives you a script for what to say and keeps you focused if he tries to change your mind.
  2. Anticipate his response. You are likely aware of how your boyfriend is going to react to the breakup. Mentally preparing for his response can prevent you from being side-tracked or caught off guard. Most importantly, it can help you stand your ground and stop you from changing your mind.
    • For example, you can say to yourself, “I know he’s going to be unhappy. He may even yell or cry. However, this is what I want and I can’t back down, no matter how bad he makes me feel for breaking up with him.”
  3. Rehearse the conversation. Going into the difficult conversation knowing exactly what you’re going to say can give you the confidence you need, particularly if you are shy. Having a plan and comebacks for all of his questions and rebuttals allows you to stay in control of the conversation.
    • Practice the conversation with a friend or someone you trust. Do it as many times as it takes for you to feel prepared and comfortable. However, only choose to rehearse with someone who you know will not tell anyone else what you’re about to do. You want him to hear the news from you, not the grapevine.
  4. Brace yourself against uncertainty. You know you’re shy, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t able to stand up for yourself. Quiet the voice in your head that doubts you can do this. Appearing wishy-washy during the conversation may give your boyfriend mixed signals.
    • Give yourself a pep talk before the conversation. Say, “I can do this. I have the courage it takes to speak up for myself. I will be clear and focused and not let my shyness get in the way.”
  5. Try to prepare yourself emotionally for the breakup. Do your best to be prepared for the emotional toll that this may take on you as well. Make sure that you take good care of yourself afterwards and have a plan in place to keep your mind clear. Activities like yoga and meeting up with friends can help you stay grounded and avoid dwelling on the breakup after it happens.

Having the Conversation

  1. Talk to him in person. Breaking up with someone face-to-face is perhaps the most difficult way to give the bad news, whether you’re shy or not. However, it is also the most respectful. Honor the relationship you had by having the courtesy to tell him in person.
    • Avoid breaking up with him by calling on the phone or through text or email. You would likely feel worse if he ended the relationship with you through these means, so don’t do it to him.
    • If you have tried, and you absolutely cannot bring yourself to do it in person, write a letter or call him. Apologize for not doing it in person, and explain that you tried and could not bring yourself to do so.
    • If you are afraid for your safety, you can break up any way you want. An email or a text may be preferable to an in-person confrontation.
  2. Be honest and open. You can’t sugar-coat an effective breakup. Not telling your soon-to-be ex the truth about your feelings can cause him to have a false sense of hope. Instead, speak honestly about why you’re ending the relationship. He deserves to know the truth, even if your shyness makes it difficult.
    • Although honesty is the best policy, you don’t want to come across too harsh. Try not to blame your ex for anything and attempt to stay positive. Doing so can prevent you from deeply hurting his feelings and having a particularly messy breakup.
  3. Stay kind, but be clear about your intentions. Consider his feelings during this breakup. He’s about to hear news that will likely break his heart. Therefore, you want to stay kind and sensitive to what he’s going through. However, you must also be clear about your boundaries or he may not get the hint.
    • Saying “yes” to conditions you don’t agree with will only keep him around longer. For instance, if you don’t want to stay friends with him or hang out, tell him so. While you can still be kind, you don’t have to skirt around the issue because you feel bad. Tell him directly what you feel comfortable with and leave it at that.
    • Soften the blow by mentioning his positive qualities and saying other true things that shed an optimistic light on the breakup.

Following Up on the Conversation

  1. Cut off communication. Although it may sound like a good idea, staying in contact with your former beau usually ends in disaster. It may leave him confused and give him a false sense of hope that you can make it work. Staying in touch may also make it more difficult for you to move on, as well.
    • Avoid answering his calls, texts, emails, or other forms of communication. You may also want to remove him from your social media accounts.
  2. Resist getting back together right after the breakup. You may feel like you’ve had a change of heart. However, it is likely that you simply feel bad and lonely after the split. Stay strong in your convictions and you may prevent having to break up with him all over again.
    • Typically, couples are even more unhappy the second time around than they were the first. Remember, there was a reason you broke up. Getting back together just reintroduces those issues back into your life.
  3. Don't be intimate with your ex. Becoming intimate with your ex again is often quite destructive, even if it only happens one time. The comfort you feel from spending time with him in that way won’t last, and you’ll likely only feel worse when it’s over. You’re also sending him the wrong message: he may think you want him back.
    • Prevent this from happening by not putting yourself in this type of situation. Resist the urge to call or text him if you’ve had too much to drink or when you are feeling lonely.
  4. Avoid seeing him, if possible. Don’t go to a social event if there’s a chance he’ll attend. The temptation may be too great soon after the breakup and you’ll only take two steps backward by spending this kind of time with him.
    • If you must attend an event he’ll be at, ask a buddy to come with you to hold you accountable.
  5. Take care of yourself. After the breakup, your ex won’t be the only one adjusting and working through feelings. You might feel relieved or guilty or a combination of emotions, and that’s normal. Do your best to move forward by focusing on taking care of yourself and making yourself happy.
    • Spend time with friends and engage in healthy activities such as exercise and meditation in order to work through your emotions.
    • Make sure you’re eating healthy, balanced meals. Try to resist the urge to overeat or undereat during this stressful adjustment period.
    • If you find yourself reminiscing on good memories with your ex, remind yourself of why you broke up, and then try to move onto a new thought completely.
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