How to Take Revenge on Your Enemies

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If someone goes out of their way to humiliate, hurt, or bring suffering to anyone, including yourself, don’t get mad—get even. Taking revenge against an enemy can be an immensely satisfying way of standing up for yourself or paying back an injury you’ve been dealt. The key to a good revenge plot, however, is to make sure that the punishment fits the crime. Apply your mischievous mind to the task of gaining retribution in a way that doesn’t put you at risk of getting in trouble or escalating things to a point that you’ll regret later. And, if the notion of an eye for an eye just doesn’t sit well with you, remember the old adage: “living well is the best revenge.”

Plotting a Satisfying Revenge

  1. Sign the person up for spam mailing lists. Get a hold of your enemy’s home or email address and put their name down for every advertising service you can dig up. In no time at all, they’ll be bombarded by irritating junk mail every time they make a trip to the mailbox or check their messages. This is one of the best ways to get even without causing much harm.
    • For bonus petty points, look for mailing list subscriptions advertising potentially embarrassing products and services, such as penis enlargement, hair loss treatment, or illiteracy programs.
    • If you really want to put a cherry on top of your sundae, sneak in some fake personal mail here and there, like an addressed envelope filled with glitter or a package containing dog poop, an old fish, or some moldy cheese.
  2. Send a voodoo doll to your enemy’s home. If you’re looking for a more lighthearted rib, search for an online practical joke company that sells handmade gag voodoo dolls based on real people’s likenesses and send them a photo or description of the person you want to curse. They’ll be in for an ominous surprise when they tear open the mysterious package, which they’ll receive in 3-10 business days.
    • To spice up your wicked warning, mail an anonymous letter to your enemy containing a set of needles and a note reading, “Don’t make me use these.”
  3. Scare the you-know-what out of the person when they go to use the bathroom. This one's a classic—pick up a pack of bang snaps (also known as pop-its, cherry poppers, and devil bangers) from your local gag gift store and tape 3 or 4 to each of the bumpers on the underside of your enemy's toilet seat. When they sit down to do their business, they'll trigger a series of miniature explosions sure to send their bowels leaping into their throat.
    • Pulling off this startling stunt will require you to have access to your enemy's home, or at least be three steps ahead of them the next time they head to the facilities at school or work.
  4. Offer your enemy a puke-tacular mayonnaise-filled pastry. Carefully cut open a donut or danish, replace the delicious filling with oily mayo, then put it back together and leave it where your unsuspecting nemesis will find it. Be sure to lock eyes with them as they take the ill-fated bite to let them know that you got 'em. The taste is guaranteed to come back to haunt them every time they so much as think about dessert.
    • You could enact this little ruse using just about any type of cream-filled confection, including éclairs, cannolis, strudels, and macarons.
    • Tricking someone with the old mayo donut is a good way to teach them an unappetizing lesson about eating other people's food.
  5. Disturb the person's rest with an online wake-up call service. If you have your enemy's phone number, you have everything you need to give them a rude awakening. Just plug the number into a free wake-up call service website like Snoozester or WakeUpDialer, choose a time (the earlier, the better), and picture the look of utter frustration on their face when they're roused from their peaceful slumber by an annoying automated message at the butt-crack of dawn.
    • Chances are, your enemy will eventually block the unknown number when they catch on to what's happening. Use a different website each day to ensure that the calls keep coming through and deny them a good night's sleep.
    • Twist the torture dial even further by scheduling a wake-up call every hour on the hour throughout the night. That way, they'll be jolted awake just when they've succeeded in falling back to sleep.
  6. Hire a professional to help you exact vengeance covertly. Assisted revenge has become a booming business. For a price, web-based companies like Nefarious Jobs and will plan and execute the perfect revenge scheme for you so you don’t have to get your hands dirty. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and savor your enemy’s anguish.
    • Examples of some of the devious deeds these companies may perform include mailing your victim envelopes of itching powder, spoiling their favorite TV series for them, and breaking the news that they've been diagnosed with imaginary diseases.
    • Best of all, most revenge services operate anonymously, which means there’s no way that the pranks they pull can be traced back to you.
    • Some companies also give you the option of requesting revenge-related advice if you’d prefer to twist the knife yourself.
  7. Commission a skywriter to deliver a scathing message. Get in touch with a commercial aviation service in your area that specializes in skywriting. You can then turn your eyes to the skies with glee as a trail of smoke or billowing banner spells out a slap in the face or lifts the lid on one of their most sensitive secrets.
    • Make your message short and not-so-sweet: “Allison Smith is afraid of squirrels” or “Bobby McGee still wets the bed” will put a humiliating period at the end of your feud.
    • Schedule your flight for a nice day with clear weather, preferably in an area where lots of people who know your enemy will be gathered, like downtown or near an outdoor concert.
    • Skywriting is an impressively elaborate method of sticking it to a foe, but it’s not cheap. You can expect to pay between $1,000 and $3,000 for smoke trail, and as much as $500 per hour and $2 per square foot for a custom banner.
  8. Sabotage your enemy’s reputation or personal relationships. Call the person’s parents and have a serious conversation with them about their child’s misbehavior. Send their boyfriend or girlfriend a Facebook message claiming that you just spotted them out on a date to stir up trouble. Spread damaging rumors about the people in their squad that point back to them and dent the armor of their friendship. Tactics like these may be dirty, but they’re effective.
    • Keep in mind that by setting out to ruin your nemesis, innocent people could get caught in the crossfire. Such is the indifferent, destructive hurricane that is revenge.

Finding Positive Alternatives to Revenge

  1. Refuse to stoop to your enemy’s level. If someone has done something to cause you pain or suffering, the worst thing you can do is return the favor just for the sake of proving a point. Doing so will only compromise your own honor, integrity, and respectability. Stay true to your values and be the bigger person.
    • Choosing not to act on your vengeful urges can also be very empowering. It screams loud and clear that the only person who has control over your actions and reactions is you.
    • There’s a lot of truth to be found in the old Spanish proverb, “No revenge is more honorable than the one not taken.”
  2. Vent your feelings to your friends and family. Talk to a trusted loved one about your enemy’s actions and the impact they’ve had on you. More often than not, the fires of revenge are fueled by hurt, not anger. By working through your emotions and coming to terms with the way you were wronged, you’ll be on the fast track to making peace with it and moving on with your life.
    • Getting reassurance from someone who cares about you is far more satisfying and impactful than making your enemies grovel at your feet. In fact, scientific research shows that acts of revenge rarely make the person committing them feel any better at all.
  3. Focus on the good that comes from the situation rather than the bad. Contemplating revenge can give you a sinister thrill, but, taken too far, it can also cast a shadow over your life. Resist the urge to continually reopen old wounds by maintaining an upbeat attitude and taking stock of the things you’re thankful for. In this way, you can break the cycle of rage and one-upmanship that threatens to keep you stuck in an unhealthy state of mind.
    • Try to look at your enemy’s actions as a blessing in disguise. It could be, for instance, that they’re a former friend who’s stabbed you in the back, and their betrayal has made you more careful about who you let into your inner circle.
    • Don’t feel too bad about being a target for your enemy’s scorn. The fact that they would go to such great lengths to interfere with your happiness means that they think you’re important.
  4. Use your enemy’s hostility towards you as motivation. Malicious words and actions can sting, but they can also have an energizing effect. Channel the energy that you would otherwise put towards holding a grudge into working out, studying, or picking up a new hobby. In the end, you’ll be better off for it, which is just about the biggest middle finger you can extend to your haters.
    • Intense forms of exercise like weightlifting, sprinting, rowing, or interval training can be an excellent way to blow off some steam while also reaping a host of health benefits.
    • When someone tries to make you feel small, you have two choices: you can let it eat you alive or you can let it push you to become even greater.

Avoiding the Need for Revenge

  1. Confront the person about their behavior directly. Before you begin dreaming up ways to ruin your enemies’ lives, do your best to defuse the situation. Let them know in no uncertain terms what it is they’re doing that you don’t appreciate and how it makes you feel. As the bigger person, you have a responsibility to try to scale things back before they get out of hand.
    • Standing up to a bothersome bully, for example, may be enough to get them to lay off. Look them dead in the eye and tell them firmly, “That’s enough. I’m tired of you messing with me.” You could also take a more diplomatic approach by saying something like, “What’s your problem with me? I’ve never done anything to you.”
    • If the person giving you grief is someone you work with, choose your words carefully to avoid stoking conflict and damaging your professional relationship. It may be a good idea to get a supervisor involved in private.
  2. Hit your tormentor with a witty comeback. Sometimes, all it takes to put someone in their place is a clever retort. The next time your enemy starts harassing you, think on your feet and come up with a response that plays off of something they’ve said or done. If you land a blow to their ego, they’ll think twice before picking on you again.
    • If your enemy attempts to insult you by asking “Do you still wear diapers?”, you might strike back with, “Why, did you want to borrow one?”
    • A shining example of a cutting comeback comes from Dorothy Parker. When accosted by a drunk critic who said, “I can’t bear fools,” she calmly replied, “Apparently your mother could.”
  3. Ignore the person. Rather than absorbing endless abuse from your enemy or stressing yourself out trying to one-up them, put them out of your mind altogether. The best way to take the power back from your antagonist is to not give them any more of your time, attention, or energy. If they want to sneer, let them do it to your back as you walk away.
    • Do what you need to do to remove your enemy from your life: block them on social media, avoid places where they hang out, and don’t hesitate to stonewall them if they try to talk to you.
    • If you let the things your enemy says and does get to you when they’re not even around, they’ve already won.
  4. Take some time to reflect on an offense before seeking revenge. Your craving for retaliation will be strongest while the action, event, or behavior that hurt you is still fresh in your mind, but this is also when your judgment will be the most clouded by negative emotions. No matter how antsy you are to even the score, hold off for a while. Once you’re able to let go of the anger and resentment you feel, you may discover that your desire for revenge disappears completely.
    • Even if you don’t feel any better after letting things marinate for a bit, you’ll at least have a better perspective on the situation, which will help you formulate a plan of action.

Tips

  • If your enemy has harmed you or your property in some way that’s illegal, don’t make the mistake of repaying them in kind. Simply call the authorities to bring your enemy to justice.

Warnings

  • Never do something dangerous or illegal, or create unnecessary collateral damage in the process of crushing your enemies. Otherwise, you will get in trouble.
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