How to Deal with Depression in a Relationship

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30-10-2016, 02:30
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Expert Reviewed When one partner in a relationship experiences depression, attentions tend to focus on his or her experiences. While there is an obvious need for support of the depressed partner, it's important not to ignore the needs of the other. Relationships and individuals can survive depression with support. Identify some major symptoms that may be straining your relationship and methods to counteract their effects.

Recognizing the Symptoms

  1. Look for symptoms of depression. Many people confuse depression with "feeling down," but it is more serious than simply feeling sad or upset. Depression may express itself in a variety of ways, depending on the person experiencing it, and not everyone will have every symptom. However, in general, you should watch for any of the following:
    • Frequent, consistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness (aka "depressed mood")
    • Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
    • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
    • Loss of interest in activities and things the person used to enjoy
    • Fatigue or exhaustion; generally feeling "slower" (aka "psychomotor retardation")
    • Changes in sleep habits (either sleeping too much or sleeping too little, or insomnia)
    • Changes in eating habits, appetite, or weight
    • Restlessness or irritability; feeling "keyed up" (aka "psychomotor agitation")
    • Unexplained physical symptoms (e.g., body aches that don't have a medical cause)
    • Thoughts of death or suicide
  2. Consider how long you have seen symptoms. There are multiple forms of clinical depression, and they vary in severity and duration. To count as having a "major depressive episode," the person must have had at least 5 symptoms during a two-week period, and one of those symptoms must be either "depressed mood" or "loss of interest or pleasure."
    • Minor depression: Symptoms may be less severe, and may not last as long.
    • Dysthymia or dysthymic disorder: Symptoms are less severe, but last for much longer (at least two years)
    • Major depression: Symptoms are severe and interfere with your daily ability to function and enjoy life.
    • Postpartum depression: This may occur shortly after a woman gives birth. It's natural to feel the "baby blues" for a few weeks, but if symptoms last longer than that, it is likely postpartum depression.
  3. Look for changes in sleep habits. Both hypersomnia, a desire to sleep too much, and insomnia, difficulty falling or staying asleep, can be symptoms of depression. These symptoms can have a significant impact on romantic relationships. In the case of hypersomnia, a partner's desire to sleep excessively may feel like s/he is avoiding or rejecting you. For partners who live together, insomnia may also feel like avoidance or rejection, as sleeping together is likely one way of expressing intimacy.
    • If your partner is experiencing either of these problems, don't take it personally. Ask what you can do to help and otherwise maintain your own sleep habits.
    • If you are suffering from either of these conditions, be mindful of how it may be impacting your partner. Reassure him or her your need for or inability to sleep is in not related to your feelings for him or her.
    • If your partner's sleep habits have changed but s/he doesn't know why, and you have observed other symptoms, try gently suggesting that it might be depression. Tell him or her, "I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately, which can be overwhelming. Do you think your sleep problems might be a sign of depression?"
  4. Ask about feelings of hopelessness. If you notice you or your partner seem to respond negatively to most things and lacks motivation, inquire about underlying feelings. Hopelessness can sap your motivation, and everything feels pointless when you can't imagine circumstances ever improving. This may lead to disinterest in most activities.
    • This may come off as disinterest in your partner. Consider participating in activities with your partner, even if they seem futile. You might at least appreciate the distraction from your feelings.
    • If you notice your partner has lost interest in doing things you usually enjoy, and especially if you notice a pattern, ask him or her why s/he does not want to participate. If he or she gives a generic answer, or avoids the conversation, try saying "I'm really concerned about you. You don't seem to want to do the things you used to like to do. Please talk to me so I can understand what is going on. I want to help you."
  5. Notice how the person is performing at work or school. One way to recognize whether someone may be depressed is to examine his or her performance at work or school. If you see signs of grades or work performance deteriorating, an increase in the stress the person feels about school or work, or it seems like the person is putting in less effort than usual, talk to him or her.
    • More severe depression may make it feel impossible to perform at school or work. If the person seems not to care about poor performance, misses school or work, or becomes argumentative when you ask about school or work, suggest looking for professional help.
  6. Examine your sex life. Depression often kills a person's sex drive, as well as pleasure in many other activities that s/he used to enjoy. If your sex life with your partner has changed dramatically from how it usually is, it may be a sign of depression.
    • Some antidepressant medications may also contribute to a low libido, so it's important to encourage your partner to talk to the doctor about his or her sex drive.
  7. Avoid isolation, which contributes to loneliness. Lack of energy and motivation often leads to depressed people feeling more lonely and isolated. With less energy and diminishing experiences of pleasure, depressed people tend to opt out of social activities. Friends and family begin to reach out less, anticipating being turned down. This becomes a worsening cycle.
    • If your partner is depressed, it is important to encourage her or him to tend to relationships with family and friends to prevent isolation.
    • If your partner seems to be avoiding others, try to start a dialogue about the reason s/he is avoiding socializing. Tell him or her, "I've noticed you haven't gone out with your friends in awhile." S/he will probably respond that s/he just hasn't felt like going out. Then tell her or him "I'm worried about you, and maintaining social relationships is important. I'll clean up the house and then find something to do if you'd like to invite your friends here."
    • Don't become angry or confrontational. Try to avoid language that sounds blaming, such as "What's with you?" or "What is your problem?"

Talking to Others about Depression

  1. Decide who to talk to about the depression. You may be uncomfortable sharing information about your partner's or your own mental health. Not everyone needs to know. Think about how a person will respond to the information before you disclose. You may not want to tell an employer who has not been supportive in the past. Only share when you feel safe and supported.
    • Start with the people you believe will be the most supportive. This will boost your confidence and create a buffer if you have to disclose to those less supportive later. Talk to your partner and make decisions about who should be told before you disclose to anyone other than a doctor or clinician.
    • If your partner is suffering from depression, it's very important you not disclose without his or her consent. Disclosing without consent may contribute to feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.
  2. Be prepared to answer questions. A lot of people don't understand depression, so you may need to educate them. You can find resources online or ask your doctor for brochures to help you explain what you are experiencing. Family and friends will probably want a description of your symptoms to better understand what you or your partner is experiencing. They may also have questions about what might have caused the depression and how it can be treated. You might try writing out answers to these common questions, so you feel prepared when you disclose to others.
    • Friends and family will probably also ask what they can do to help, so take this opportunity to ask for emotional support.
  3. Enlist the help of your doctor or therapist. If you are struggling to talk to friends and family about depression, ask a professional for advice. Doctors and clinicians have to talk to people about diagnoses all of the time, so they have lots of insight. Because your doctor is familiar with your specific case s/he may have really great suggestions. You might even consider inviting a friend or family member to your appointment so s/he can ask questions in an environment that feels safe for you.
    • If your partner is suffering depression and isn't talking about it, consider asking your doctor or clinician to speak with him or her. Knowing you trust the person may help him or her to open up.

Developing Healthy Habits

  1. Explore the great outdoors. Being in nature can improve your mood and will disrupt your a daily routine contributing to your depression. In addition to the mood boosting effects of simply witnessing the beauty of nature, compounds released by plants may chemically alter your mood.
    • If your partner is depressed, plan outings, like picnics, to get her or him out of the house and into nature.
    • Hiking is a great way to combine the benefits of being in nature and exercise.
  2. Eat a healthy diet. Appetite changes associated with changes may be affecting both partners' eating habits, as couples often eat together. Establish a nutrient-dense diet that you both can benefit from. Some nutrients may help to improve mood, like B vitamins, so eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.
    • Try cooking healthy meals together. This may be a creative activity you'll both enjoy.
  3. Exercise to boost your mood. Physical activity increases endorphins to improve mood and has been shown to improve coping over time. Focus on physical activities you can do together to provide support and motivation for one another.
    • Consider activities that also include other techniques for improving mood for even greater benefit. For example, playing soccer with high school friends will allow you to exercise, socialize, and spend time having fun outdoors.
    • If highly structured activities are too overwhelming for you or your partner, try going for a walk together. This is an easy way to start increasing physical activity and get you out of the house.
  4. Have some fun together. This serves as a distraction and quickly improves mood. A person who is depressed is often reluctant to initiate pleasurable activities.
    • If your partner is depressed, take the lead and plan a couple of fun activities each week.
    • If you are depressed, agree to participate in the activities, even if you aren't very excited about it. Realize your partner put a lot of effort into planning the activity because s/he cares about you.

Socializing with Others

  1. Maintain outside relationships. Whether it's you or your partner suffering from depression, it's important you both maintain friendships in addition to your partnership. The depressed partner may feel like a burden without regular breaks, and the other may begin to feel trapped. Taking a step away occasionally will help both partners feel refreshed.
    • Scheduling weekly social activities may obligate you to engage socially. Try setting up a weekly dinner date with your best friend. This will get you out of the house, foster a supportive relationship, and give you a healthy break from your partner.
  2. Participate in group activities. This is a good way for you and your partner to engage others socially together. Gather with family and friends regularly to maintain relationships and focus on something other than the depression.
    • Consider joining a club or volunteering at a local organization together. This will provide excellent opportunities to spend time together, without focusing on the depression, and make new friends, adding to your support system.
  3. Hang out in public places. Seeing other people happy may actually boost your mood. At the very least, other patrons will provide a distraction and give you something to talk about.
    • Coffee shops tend to be great for people watching, and outside venues may also provide the added mood boosting effects of nature.

Getting Help

  1. Follow your doctor's instructions. In some cases of depression, a doctor may prescribe medication. You and your partner should discuss all treatment options with a medical doctor and/or mental health professional. If you decide medication is appropriate for you, follow all instructions and consult your doctor before you stop taking the medication. Suddenly stopping some medications can be dangerous and may increase the risk of suicide.
    • If your partner is prescribed medication, encourage him or her to take it regularly and avoid stigmatizing the use of prescribed medication. If your partner is made to feel shame regarding the need for medication, s/he will be less likely to comply with treatment.
  2. Talk to a therapist. Both couple's counseling and individual therapy would be beneficial. Couple's counseling will help you to address issues in the relationship together. Individual therapy would benefit the depressed partner by allowing her or him to focus on healing, without immediate concern for the other, and help the non depressed partner develop healthy coping strategies for dealing with other's depression.
    • If you have insurance, consult your provider to find affordable treatment options. You can also research clinicians online.
    • Many communities have clinics that provide low-cost or sliding-scale fee services for people on low incomes. Ask your doctor, nurse, or even religious figure whether they know of any services like this in your area.
  3. Join a support group. This will provide a social support system, as well as a safe place to discuss your relationship and experience with depression. Other members will be able to provide insight and encouragement.
    • If you aren't able to join a group in-person, consider one online.

Tips

  • Exercise and a healthy diet contribute to enhanced mood.
  • A mental health professional can provide individualized guidance.

Warnings

  • If you believe you may harm yourself, or your partner may harm her or himself, seek help immediately.
  • Suddenly stopping some medications may increase the risk of suicide. Consult your physician before stopping medication.
  • Avoid drugs and alcohol, as they may worsen depression.
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