How to Foster Mutual Empathy in Your Relationship

Опубликовал Admin
30-10-2016, 06:30
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Expert Reviewed Empathy is when you think about the other person and try to understand them without judgment or letting your own feelings get in the way — picturing yourself in that person's shoes with their life experiences and unique perspective. It is extremely important in a relationship. Empathy can lead to better listening, more effective communication, and a deeper bond in the relationship. Learn how to build empathy in your relationship so you can make it even stronger.

Listening Empathetically

  1. Listen actively. The best thing you can do to foster mutual empathy in your relationship is to actively listen to one another. This isn’t just taking in what the other person says, but really hearing what they say. This means you pay attention as the other person speaks.
    • Don’t pay attention to other things, like the television or your cell phone. Don’t let your mind wander. Keep your mind focused on your partner.
    • Maintain eye contact and turn your body so you are facing your partner.
    • Be conscious of your facial expressions. A neutral expression can help the other person feel at ease and able to share. Couples are often very familiar with and hyperaware of their partner's facial expressions and how they relate to what is being said.
  2. Paraphrase what your partner says. One way that you can really start to empathize with your partner is to paraphrase what they say. This helps you understand what they are saying and make sure you heard it correctly. Hearing your partner’s feelings coming out of your mouth can help you put yourself into their shoes.
    • If your partner finds this annoying, explain to them that you are trying to actively listen and empathize. The more practice you get, the better you will be about doing this internally.
    • For example, if your partner just told you about their bad day, you may say, “You had a bad day at work because of your coworkers. Now you feel stressed and discouraged because of this.”
    • You can also use this to clarify what your partner is saying. You can say something like, "It sounds like you're mad at your boss because they talked down to you in front of your coworkers."
  3. Refrain from judging. When you talk to your partner and listen to what they have to say, try not to judge them. You may find yourself jumping to conclusions and judging their actions and feelings; however, this is not an empathetic reaction. Instead, try to understand what the person is saying or figure out what why they did what they did.
    • You are not saying that your partner is right or wrong. You are just trying trying to see things from their perspective.
    • Ask more questions to help you understand your partner instead of judging.
    • Look at things from their point of view and put yourself in their shoes. Don't make a quick conclusion about your partner of their actions. Instead, pause, think, and have compassion for them.
  4. Focus on the other person. You may feel that your life is too busy and you can’t figure out how to make time for your relationship. The person may end up an afterthought at the end of a long day. To help foster empathy, you should focus on the other person more. Make them a priority in your life.
    • Make a list of qualities you respect and love in your partner. Remind yourself of these qualities daily.
    • Tell yourself mentally to give time and attention to the other person in the relationship every day.

Building Communication Skills

  1. Share your feelings. Building empathy in your relationship takes both of you. Though you need to listen, you need to share, too. It may be difficult to articulate your feelings, but this can make your relationship deeper and better. Mutual empathy is taking on and sharing feelings.
    • You may say, “I am feeling sad today,” or, “I really enjoyed spending time with you.”
  2. Talk about important things. You may have lost the conversations about deep, meaningful topics in favor of the everyday routine topics. This is common, but working on conversation topics can help deepen your empathy. Talk about things like your goals, dreams, desires, interests, and fears.
    • Make a time each day or week to talk only about these kinds of topics. Discover each other’s dreams again or hopes for the future.
    • Limit the talk about chores, kids, work, or groceries during these sessions.
    • For example, you may say to your partner, "Remember when you used to have a dream of travelling to exotic locations? I haven't heard you talk about dreams or goals lately. Is that still your dream, or do you have new dreams and goals?"
  3. Respond empathetically. One way to foster mutual empathy is to work on the way you respond to the other person in the relationship. Many people respond in a sympathetic way instead of an empathetic way. This leads to you putting your own feelings onto the other person and decreases the understanding of someone’s different feelings.
    • Responding in a sympathetic way generally means you feel bad for the person or feel pity. Sympathy doesn’t always encourage that you explore and discuss another person’s feelings.
    • Instead of saying, “I know how you feel. I felt something similar” and then talking about your experience, try to respond empathetically. Say, “That must have been terrible. I experienced something similar and felt terrible. How do you feel about what happened?”
    • This kind of communication encourages the other person to talk and open up instead of shutting them out as you talk.
  4. Stay open with your actions. As you interact and talk with your partner, stay open with them in the way you act and speak. This means that you don't close yourself off in your mind or body. Interacting with the other person in the relationship with openness helps you stay present in the relationship, which leads to better communication and a deeper connection.
    • Being open means that you listen to your partner and think about their point of view. You also keep your body turned towards them with a relaxed posture. Refrain from turning away from your partner, crossing your arms, looking at your nails or your phone, or walking out of the room while they are speaking.
    • Staying present and open can help both of you keep from withdrawing from one another, which may cause conflicts.

Working on Mutual Empathy

  1. Touch your partner. Physical affection can help build empathy in your relationship. Give your partner a hug, a kiss, hold their hand, or put an arm around them. These simple gestures are good ways to focus your attention on your partner and form a physical connection between the two of you.
    • Touching releases oxytocin, a chemical which helps increase feelings of happiness.
  2. Watch the other person. To help gain empathy for the other person in the relationship, watch them. When you have down time while you are spending time together, look at the other person. Think about what is going on inside their head and what they are thinking about. Look at their body language and pay attention to it.
    • Try to figure out how they are feeling. Are they upset? Are they content?
    • As you watch your partner, really absorb what you are learning and then care that they are feeling this way or doing this activity.
  3. Imagine things from your partner’s point of view. One way empathy can help with conflict resolution is to help you gain insight into what the other person is thinking. Instead of reacting emotionally, take a moment. Close your eyes and put yourself in your partner’s place. Think about how the situation looks for them, or how your actions may have been construed.
    • Consider what you know about your partner's history, such as interactions with parents, other family members, their worldview, etc. This information should be available to you through the relationship, and it can add another layer of understanding of your partner's decisions, actions and how things may have affected them.
    • Refrain from thinking about what you would have done in your partner's position when being empathetic — that is not the point of empathy. Instead, take all that you know about your partner and their background, and try to see how that might make them react how they did.
    • For instance, you may not have yelled at someone whistling at you on the street, but you may know that your partner deals with catcalling and street harassment on a daily basis, and so they may be more likely to react. It may seem like an overreaction from your perspective, but from your partner's perspective and experience, it might seem like a pretty mild reaction.
    • Looking at the situation this way can give you empathy for the other person. If both of you do this, instead of fighting, you will be able to talk about the problem and see the issue from the other point of view.
  4. Try empathy building exercises. If you are trying to build empathy in your relationship, you may consider using activities to build more empathy between the two of you. These exercises aim at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes so you can learn empathy. You will try to connect to your partner by looking at things from their point of view.
    • Good exercises to foster empathy include dramatization, role-playing, and imitating.
    • You may also want to try dance therapy where you try to mirror your partner’s actions to increase awareness of the other person.
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