How to Date an Alpha Male

Опубликовал Admin
30-10-2016, 13:54
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Many studies have shown that the dichotomy between alpha males (who are strong, confident, dominant, assertive, and successful) and beta males (who are weak, hesitant, submissive, and less successful in life) is a false one. However, it is true that some of the traits associated with the alpha are quite attractive to others: self-confidence, success, and moral and physical strength. These traits can be found in both men and in women in equal measure. If you hope to date a confident person, you will have to recognize the signs of confidence and be a confident person yourself.

Finding a Confident, Successful Man to Date

  1. Recognize that women outperform men in many areas. If you are a woman who is attracted to men, you might find that the number of men who have a higher status than you is shrinking. Women are now outperforming men in employment rates, education, and sometimes in earning potential. Be aware that there will be fewer and fewer men in the dating pool who are more successful than the women they date.
    • On the one hand, this might mean more competition for the attention of confident, successful men. On the other hand, this might also lead to a redefinition of what "success" means in men: traits like kindness, sensitivity, and versatility might be valued more highly in men in the not-too-distant future.
  2. Evaluate his prestige as well as his personality. Studies show that a person's prestige--or how highly a group values a person--might be just as important to confidence and success as a dominant personality. If you are attracted to confident and successful men, consider how highly a potential partner is valued by his colleagues, superiors, friends, and neighbors. If he is highly valued in his community, this is a good sign that he will be attractive to you.
    • It is possible for somebody to be prestigious in one area of life and not prestigious in another. For example, perhaps he is excellent at athletic activities but not professionally. Or perhaps he is highly valued as a chef but not as a musician. Consider what areas of life are most important to you when you consider prestige.
  3. Remember that most people are a mixture of "alpha" and "beta" traits. The myth that the world can be divided into "alphas" and "betas" has mostly been debunked. Most people are a combination of the two. In many cases, people can act like an "alpha" in the arenas where they are very successful and like "betas" in the arenas where they have more difficulty. For example, someone might be an "alpha" in his job but not in the bedroom. Somebody else might be an "alpha" in her political activism but not in her athleticism. Rather than looking for "alpha" traits, instead consider thinking about arenas that are important to you and find someone who is confident in that arena. For example, think about whether you want to find:
    • Someone who is good at sports and athletic activities
    • Someone who is confident in his creativity and art
    • Someone who is successful at his job
    • Someone who is talented at fixing things around the house
  4. Be aware of potential downsides. While the traits associated with alpha maleness can indicate success, there might be some undesirable traits that come along with it. For example, he might be stubborn, reluctant to take criticism, independent, and overly analytical. If you are a sensitive person who values emotional caretaking, perhaps an "alpha" is not the right fit for you. Think carefully about what makes you happy in a relationship.
  5. Try dating a few personality types. Not everyone is attracted to confidence and success, and perhaps you are attracted to certain kinds of confidence but not others. In order to determine what exactly you are attracted to, you might consider dating a wide range of personality types to see what you prefer.
    • Consider joining an online dating site to find a wide range of men to date.
    • Sign up for an activity or volunteer at a nonprofit to meet a wide range of people who share your interests.
    • Ask your friends to introduce you to new people you might date.
    • Take a personality test to help you figure out what your own personality type is and who a good personality fit might be.
  6. Stay safe when going on dates. When you are first getting to know someone, take measures to make sure that you stay safe and protected. Don’t go anywhere private with a person you don't know well. Accept dates that are in public locations, like restaurants and movie theaters. Make sure that you know the agenda beforehand. Consider telling a friend what your itinerary is so that they know where you are.
    • Trust yourself and your instincts: if you feel unsafe, leave the situation immediately and call a friend to pick you up.
  7. Recognize signs of confidence. A truly confident person might not be the one who attracts the most attention or boasts about his accomplishments. Someone who has a healthy amount of self-confidence might actually be more likely to take a backseat sometimes, to listen carefully, and to learn from his mistakes. A healthily self-confident man will:
    • Listen instead of talk all the time.
    • Be aware of what his strengths and his weaknesses are.
    • Ask for help sometimes.
    • Not judge others too harshly or be insulting.
    • Be able to stand up for himself and his needs.
  8. Recognize signs of narcissism and arrogance. Sometimes it can be easy to mix up the signs of confidence and of arrogance. However, the key difference between the two is that a healthy, confident man will be comfortable in himself and will not be easily shaken or angered. An arrogant person, however, gets his self-esteem from how others treat him, which makes him more likely to be demanding, domineering, and unable to listen to criticism. Avoid men who:
    • Insult others in order to feel good.
    • Cannot handle loss or criticism.
    • Demand attention and praise.
    • Speak over others or interrupt during social situations.
  9. Ask him to plan your next date. If you are attracted to leadership and strength, consider asking him to plan out your next date to surprise you. See what happens when he takes charge over your next encounter. This is also a good chance to see whether you both are interested in similar activities.
  10. Consider asking him to lead in the bedroom. If you are sexually attracted to dominant scenarios, let him know that you are interested in having him act in a more dominant way in the bedroom. It is important that you do this safely: be sure that you both communicate clearly about your desires and limitations and that both partners consent each step of the way. Make sure that either partner can stop the sexual activity at any point by using an agreed-upon "safe word."
  11. Participate in competitive activities while dating. If you and your partner are both confident, competitive people, find dates that allow you both to compete and act as rivals to one another. This can lead to excitement and sexual attraction. Be sure that you try your hardest (do not lose intentionally), and feel free to engage in some good-natured ribbing when you are winning. Some dates you might go on include:
    • Playing paintball or laser-tag
    • Going mini-golfing
    • Participating in a charity race
    • Playing a board game that requires skill, such as chess
    • Be sure that your date is not a sore loser. If he has a tough time being on the losing side, that is an indication that he is arrogant, not confident.
  12. Explore new activities and places. If you have found a confident man, it is likely that he will be able to introduce you to new experiences, ideas, and places. Try to enjoy exploring these new worlds with him, and perhaps you might discover a new passion or hobby yourself.
  13. Watch out for controlling behavior. If you find yourself stifling your own opinions, ideas, and thoughts, you are likely in a relationship that is based on control instead of on confidence and trust. Never lose yourself in a relationship: a healthy dating relationship is based on mutual caretaking and making each other thrive. If your partner is not helping you thrive, he is likely not a confident person at all, but rather a controlling, domineering person. Signs of controlling behavior include:
    • Lying
    • Bullying
    • Talking over you or talking too much
    • Distancing you from your loved ones
    • Giving you the silent treatment

Making a Relationship Last

  1. Do not act overly submissive during disagreements. Someone who shares traits with the stereotypical "alpha male" might occasionally act stubborn, impatient, and demanding, especially during quarrels. When he slips into these negative patterns, it is important that you do not act overly submissive or apologetic. Instead, remain calm and analytical as you state your case. Walk away from the argument if you need to, but do not flatter, pander, or give in too easily. Some scripts you might use include:
    • "I can see that we're not going to reach an agreement tonight. Let's continue talking about this tomorrow."
    • "I know that we don't agree on this. But here are the reasons why I think I'm right . . ."
    • "I am happy to find middle ground, but I am not willing to let go of my core beliefs. It is important that you are willing to compromise if I am going to compromise too."
  2. Do not accept aggressive behavior. Be careful if he acts aggressively by breaking things, making threats, or frequently raising his voice to the point that you end up in tears. This is not acceptable behavior, and you deserve better.
    • Leave the situation immediately if you feel personally threatened. Let him know that his actions are unacceptable, and seek help outside of the relationship from a friend, the authorities, or a domestic abuse hotline.
  3. Create a generally egalitarian relationship. In general, people are happy in relationships when there is an egalitarian power structure. In this case, both partners might share chores, have equal say over important decisions, and might both work outside of the home. These relationships are less likely to end in divorce or break-ups.
  4. Find healthy ways to explore dominance and submission, especially in the bedroom and in chores. While egalitarian relationships are the most successful in the long run, they might also reduce libido and sexual passion. If you are attracted to dominance, consider finding ways for this dominance to be expressed, even if it does not impact your day-to-day decision-making. For example, you might consider:
    • Introducing a dominant/submissive role-play during sex. Be sure to discuss your preferences and limitations in advance, and make sure that you can stop the role-play at any time by using a "safe-word."
    • Finding outlets to perform traditional gender roles. For example, a woman might dress up in traditional feminine outfits; a man might dress up in athletic clothing.
    • Divide chores along gendered lines. If you are a woman in a heterosexual relationship, consider taking on some stereotypically feminine labor, such as cooking or washing dishes. Ask your partner to take on stereotypically masculine labor, such as repairing the car. This might increase sexual attraction.
  5. Be prepared for bluntness. Many people who exhibit typical "alpha" traits communicate in a direct manner. They tend not to beat around the bush. Try to keep this in mind so that you are not offended at how direct and straightforward their conversation is. Instead, remember that direct communication can help a relationship avoid patterns of passive-aggression or mutual dissatisfaction:
    • If your partner's bluntness is insulting or hurtful, however, these are warning signs that your partner is going well beyond "direct" communication and is instead hoping to injure your feelings. This is not a sign of confidence but of aggression, and you should consider whether he is worth your time and energy.
  6. Communicate clearly. Tell your partner what you find attractive about him and his confidence. Feel free to be direct about what makes you happy in a relationship.
    • If you enjoy his athletic ability, for example, tell him that and support his athletic successes.
    • If you are attracted to chivalrous behavior, tell him that you love it when he buys you flowers, jewelry, or surprising you with exotic vacations. Express your delight and pleasure when he engages in these behaviors.
  7. Have healthy boundaries. If both you and your partner are confident people, you will likely have some independent interests and activities that the other one does not share. Be sure that you both maintain your independence in certain areas, even if you share many other activities. Keep your old friends, keep up with your old hobbies, and spend some time apart every now and again. Healthy boundaries will help the relationship last and will help you both maintain your self-confidence.
  8. Turn confidence in himself into confidence in the relationship. True confidence is not about performing strength but rather about being honest about who you are and what your needs are. People who are confident will not be afraid to build a lasting bond with the right person. If the person you are dating is emotionally honest and is willing to commit, that is a good sign that he is a truly confident person who knows what he wants.

Tips

  • Dating a confident person does not mean that you have to lose your own confidence: in fact, it is much better for the relationship if you both maintain your independence, confidence, and boundaries.
  • Traits associated with the typical "alpha" might be attractive to you but they might not. Try experimenting with a variety of personalities to discover what your priorities are in a relationship.

Warnings

  • There is an important difference between confidence and aggression. While many are attracted to confidence, very few people are attracted to aggressiveness in a potential partner. Aggressive partners might also be abusive and controlling. If the person you are dating is bossy, controlling, aggressive, or domineering, distance yourself from that person.
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